Okay so it’s a new year and I am very excited. Someone sent me this clip of Excess Baggage and I loved it. So funny! Having been a part of Biggest Loser for so many years and so frustrated at the tragically boring, often times rude and extremely repetitive scripts (that people actually think came from me) filled with fat jabs and eye rolling puns even the most pitifully paid writers wouldn’t dare put their name to, I was more than ready to have a little fun.
More importantly I was ready to actually heal a part of my life that has dogged me for years. Hey, I know how to lose weight, I’ve certainly done it enough times in my life as a professional yo-yo. But when offered the opportunity to deal with why I might actually keep doing it and even more importantly an opportunity to actually FIX that part of me forever, well it was too tempting to pass up.
On top of that, to finally give people an opportunity to see me, the real me, that was also important. So much crap, lies, bullsh*t and nastiness has been written about me over the years when all I ever wanted to do was help others deal with the weight loss and self esteem demons that had dogged me for so much of my life. When my first book Confessions of a Reformed Dieter came out I was so excited by the thousands of emails I got from women who said they were just like me, and by sharing my journey I had also helped them heal their own broken lives. That felt so good, I wanted to do exactly that for the rest of my life. I thought BL was the next step in doing that but the universe very quickly made it apparent that was NOT the way I was meant to go. And so with a slight “detour”, I hope I can continue to do the work I started – inspiring others to live happier, healthier lives and to love themselves in the process of doing so – something I somehow forgot to do myself!
I don’t care if people don’t like me or my work but I’d rather be judged on that rather than someone else’s work, words, lines or agenda because there has been a very real agenda to some of the crap that has been written about me over the years– something I will touch on when I am good and ready, but believe me, there is no smoke without fire and there were some very determined people fanning those flames of hatred for reasons of their own – personal and professional.
So here I am. This is me. At least I hope it is. It’s a very scary thing to trust a process (the media) that has done very real damage to you – I have had some very dark times over the last few years and truly know the saying, “You are stronger than you will ever need to be.” I have had to be strong. I have had to carry on. I continue to try to make a good life for myself and my son, something that has been incredibly difficult to do with the discrimination and hatred I have faced, sometimes from people who do not even know me but base their hatred on the things they have read on the internet (very rarely the truth).
But I refuse to give up my dreams. My life has barely even begun and I refuse to roll over and die or disappear as some nasty and vicious people tell me via many different means (mean being the operative word). No-one but God has the right to tell me when to stop and so each day, difficult or not, I rise up again and again determined to make something of myself, to follow my heart, use the talents given to me and hopefully leave a mark on this world, for myself and my son that hopefully makes a very real difference, always for the better!
Hopefully you will see parts of me that explain who I am, why I am. Hopefully I will see why it is I do the things that hold me back. Hopefully the experts will help me heal the parts that are broken and really help me live the best life possible, because really, isn’t that what any of us want? An opportunity to be the best that we can be!
I had a pretty crappy start in life but I am fighting to live a better one and hopefully in the meantime others who have also struggled (cause everyone has their sh*t right?) might take some inspiration from that and heal their own lives too. Take the sweat and tears of others and use it to fuel your very own transformation! I got an email from one of the BL contestants just yesterday and she is struggling with her weight and realizing that whilst she lost a lot of weight quickly, she didn’t learn to deal with the shadows that follow you from thick skin to thin and therefore is right back where she started from with the added pressure that everyone is watching and judging her (when reality is she is probably judging herself more harshly than anyone else). She is hopeful that this show will help people like me (and subsequently people like her) because one of the things I have learnt from the thousands and thousands of people who have written to me over the years, I am just like them – an ordinary woman who every day fights to love herself no matter what size her thighs are. I hope this will help everyone who watches it. Let this be the revolution we have been waiting for!
Who knows what will happen, but my promise is that I will make this next journey with the highest of hopes, follow through with total integrity, be true to myself, do the very best I can HEALTHILY with no tricks, gimmicks or shortcuts that other shows RELY on. I will try to help as many people as I can along the way, have some laughs, heal my heart, mind, body and spirit and come out the other side a little less hurt, a lot more healed and ready to tackle whatever comes my way in 2012 and beyond. Let me be the phoenix rising up out of the ashes, let me be all that I can be, let me finally be ME and let me finally be happy!
In the words of one of my fellow travel companions, “Giddy Up!”