What I love about the show I am working on right now is that we are not locked down or locked up (although some of us certainly should be!) I also love the transparency (follow us on Twitter @ExcessBaggage9) – we are shooting ahead of schedule and not pretending that 2-3 weeks in real time is actually one week. Ever wondered how someone loses 10 kilos in one week? They don’t! Only with the magic of television does that actually happen.
Anyway, with two weeks off over Christmas (thank you Channel 9) I flew back to LA to spend it with my darling boy Kai. Home and with a Christmas meal to cook the very next day we raced off to the supermarket to grab some groceries.
Standing at the checkout I can never stop myself from having a look at the trashy mags I refuse to buy and so found myself scanning the covers marveling at just how many Kim Kardashian can be on after her complete sham of a marriage. Oh well, make hay while the sun shines Kim, more power to you!
My eyes skim across a mag I never look twice at: The National Enquirer and I think, “Oh wow some random celebrity has the very same bikini as me”. I can’t see the face of the alleged celebrity cause there is a big box across their face, claiming that $2 and a turn of a page guarantees a peepshow of the best and WORST (in red bold CAPS!!!!)beach bodies of all time.
It takes me a few seconds. I’m not sure how long, but time stood still, crickets chirped, while clocks probably ticked loudly and then it hit me! I looked a little closer at the fat spilling out over the bikini bottom and marveled at the back fat spilling out of the top like a nicely rolled roast. Oh my god! That fat celebrity with the worst beach body of all time was ME! ME! Oh my god! I am on the cover of a magazine, the fattest I have been in years! Oh dear! Oh dear! Oh dear! I look around, forgetting that I am in America and no one knows who I am (it’s only in Australia that people scrutinize my every move) and I grab the magazine dying a thousand deaths.
I show Kai, pointing and unlike me unable to find the words to describe the horror I am experiencing but he sympathizes immediately. “Oh my gosh,” he says. “Why do they do that? That poor person. That’s just rude. Imagine how they feel…..” At first I think he is joking. Then I realize, bless him, he doesn’t realize it is me – his mother on the cover of a magazine I hope NONE of his friends ever get their hands on.
I quickly flick through the pages to find the offending article, where there are even more pictures of me in my bikini, a “Before” photo when I was starvingly hungrily thin and I reply to Kai with a beseeching look, “Yes, THAT PERSON must feel terrible!”
It now hits him. It’s his mother on the cover of this magazine! We both look around as if we are about to five finger discount something. I laugh because I really want to cry and Kai in his beautiful positive perfect self says, “Well at least you’re in a magazine in America!” Ah yes, a cover girl at last in the land where dreams really can come true and this suddenly feels like a nightmare. The mag goes on to say I should read my own diet books and take my own advice (haha no kidding!!). The only consolation I have is that no one actually buys these mags do they? At least no one with any sway in my career and hey, everything happens for a reason so who knows what will come of me going back and doing it all again – hey it worked for Kirstie Alley, maybe it will work for me. Maybe my dream of doing Dancing with the Stars USA will finally come true!
Okay, confession: I had to buy it and felt like a hypocrite doing so, but I try to turn everything that happens to me into a positive and so I determine that these pictures will be my motivation to work even harder than I already have. My next US cover shot will be me smoking hot in a NEW smoking hot teeny weeny bikini, launching my brand new and very last “diet” book “Been There Done Fat” ™ and I will do everything I can to be a “cover girl” for all the right reasons – hopefully becoming an inspiration to anyone who has every struggled with their weight and for anyone wanting to chase a dream (mine to have my books published in the USA).
So with the magazine article in my wallet reminding me to watch whatever passes by my lips, I have just one more thing to say: Watch out world, here I come! I don’t know how long it will take me but I intend to go from the WORST beach body ever to the best…well maybe not the best but a heck of a lot better than that!
Oh and PS! Who says only skinny girls have the right to wear a bikini anyway!!!!! (another post for another day no doubt!)
See you at the beach!!!!