Many many years ago I was broke and desperate for rent money when a friend of a friend casually mentioned she ran a phone sex line and that it was easy money and you could do it from home. I was well known amongst my friends and fellow comedians (yes it was a LOOOOONG time ago, well before my books and Biggest Loser) for my potty mouth so I thought I’d give it a go. $5 a minute seemed like easy money!
Well, I took one phone call, called my naughty bits “my area of lurve”, made LESS than $5 (ie the call lasted less than a minute lol) and realized phone sex was not for me. Quite frankly I sucked at it (not literally of course), but I also just felt dirty.
Why am I telling you this?
Because when my friend in New York convinced me to join up to Dial a Star to take calls from every day people (and yes we had imbibed a few too many chardies at the time of deciding this was a good idea) I thought, what the heck, why not, as long as it doesn’t turn into phone sex.
Of course there was always the risk of someone pushing the boundaries, and I did expect a few callers who were a few sandwiches short of a picnic basket to ring in but I was pleasantly surprised that most of the callers were women who had read my books, watched Biggest Loser, or who followed my blogs here and on www.fitperez.com and just wanted to just reach out. I even had a few phone calls from parents of kids with autism who wanted to share their story over the phone and ask my advice (for what it’s worth…current rate $3 per minute lol).
Then Sydney Confidential printed their story and in a funny coincidence the weird calls started coming in. Seriously, it is so sad that Australia is such a small hick town that NOTHING is ever taken positively…..all they want to do is shoot you down and make you feel worthless and dirty for even trying to do something bigger than just give up when life deals you a few right jabs.
And today I got a call that, from the outset, reeked of a radio station call. For a start, the accent was BAD. A guy (who sounded Australian so much I told him that) claiming to be from some southern town in the USA about to get married and apparently I was his celebrity crush and he needed to talk to me before he walked down the aisle this weekend. OMG really? First of all, no one here in the USA knows who I am – one of the day-to-day blessings I actually enjoy (for now). Second of all, when I asked him how he knew my work his answer was lame and unbelievable….”um…er…… well I know your work…..and” pause while someone wrote something down or whispered to him, “ and I watched Biggest Loser…” Yeah, BL hasn’t played in the USA so there was definitely something rotten in the state of “Denmark” straight away.
But okay, I’ll play along…you wanna spend your money… I will ALWAYS have a laugh……and at any moment I was waiting for the radio reveal of “Hey Ajay, it’s Kyle and Jackie O,” which quite honestly would have been hilarious.
Well I just prattled on about armadillos and biscuits until he got to the four questions he “and his friends” wanted to ask me before his big day.
1. Q:What was I wearing?
A: Determined to let him know this wasn’t a phone sex call I told him I was in sweats and a wife beater shirt…are you hot now?????? Oh yeah!!!!
2. Q: Do I consider myself a sexual person?
A: Duh…..I have a heartbeat right?
3. Q: What is my favorite position?
A: On what? The current health care crisis in America? Seriously? If that doesn’t scream radio prank call then nothing does or if he is some freaky deak of a guy who thinks that for $3 a minute he can get me to talk dirty he is wrong. But instead of hanging up, I played along…why not? It’s your money! I told him the world’s problems would be solved if Obama brought the troops home and everyone had a world orgy for peace. I also told him to get the Karma Sutra for his wife to be and if they bonked every night for the rest of their married life they will be happy forever. I’ll have my own talk show soon with advice like that!
4. Q: Then he asked me if I would listen to him have a “happy ending” and that is when I drew the line.
I was finished. In hindsight and next time, understand, I WILL hang up a lot earlier, radio prank or not but I have to admit, I was under the impression that Dial A Star operators listened in and would intervene if the call became inappropriate. Obviously not, so next time someone calls for the WRONG reasons I will be armed and ready
The calls I have had with genuine people have been fun, funny, thought provoking, meaningful, articulate, intelligent, friendly, chatty and HARMLESS. Dial a Star, at least for me, is a fun way for me to be available for those who know and like my work, who read my books and who follow my blog. Losers, freaks and sexual deviants, call someone else….your local papers will have a list of people willing to take your call but I am not.
And if the call was genuine, then thanks for your $25, I hope you had a laugh, cause I certainly did but please, don’t ever call me to talk dirty again of I’ll come to “Arkansas” and wash your mouth out with soap! LMAO
Call me 888-695-4543 Ext.111198 www.DialAStar.com